2007

“The Chronicles of My Heart: Finding Where I Belong”

By: Stacie Cherill Dickson

Chronicle 1: 2007 Sideline

We had just had our weekly dose of Simple Simony’s Pizza. I had a club sand-which, bacon and cheese, with some 'special sauce' that I think was Italian dressing. Still mourning the recent loss that I didn't become head cheerleader, although I was not a leader than, I just imaged how much people would love and adore me, (boys) and how I would be the envy of all the school (Mean Girls) when I was finally named 'head cheerleader'. I remember so clear standing on my back porch imagining that day. Well that didn't happen. Was I not pretty enough? Did I not jump high enough? Did I not execute the power routine good enough? I do not like these girls, traitors.

Trying to fill this empty void of not having my father in my life, thinking that becoming 'head cheerleader will quench that void.

I also had another problem. I was so deeply embarrassed of my ankles. They were so skinny. Although I

had my legs out as a cheerleader, I was so embarrassed. 7^Th grade kids were so mean. I remember so vividly, I knew how I was going to solve this problem.

I have never told anyone this but I know it can bring deliverance, I went into the bathroom and stuffed my ankle length socks with toilet paper, to give the appearance of thicker ankles. I was desperate. Desperate to be wanted, to be accepted, to be adored. Craving.

Even in junior high, God protected me and hid me from wanted but unwanted attention He didn't want me to want even if I wanted it. Whew.

I came out of that bathroom with an added sense of confidence, and my thick black liquid eyeliner looked good.

We were all hanging out in the cafeteria before the game. I wanted to impress the opposing team's football team. I mean, all the other girls got their attention, why couldn't I? What was possibly so wrong with me?

“What's in your socks?”, A fellow cheerleader asked me with so much concern in her eyes as a 12 year old. She burst my bubble of confidence. Even till this day as I am 23, she wasn't trying to embarrass me at all, she asked me by herself, but she knew my ankles didn't grow inches in width that quickly. She was concerned for me. I felt as if her blue eyes were asking, “why did you do that to yourself, Stacie?”

On the sidelines cheering, I don't remember if that game or another, but I remember being embarrassed of my mom. She wanted to talk to me from the stands, and I shunned her off.

My mom is so beautiful and that crushes my heart that I would have it in my heart to do something like that. My mom was such a beautiful women that, and still is, and was going through so much, more than I could ever know at that time, and still being so self-less and pouring out all her love toward me and my siblings and dad. Even though we rejected her so much. All she needed was our love. But thank God that God filled her up with love when we couldn't.

I had projected my spirit of embarrassment onto my mom. So sick.

I can't go back to that day and honor her, but I thank God for the days I have now to honor my mom and to NEVER be embarrassed of her. That's why I go so hard to show her honor.

But now I am not embarrassed of myself.

Thank You Lord for healing me.

I don't know if I took those fake sock stuffing out of my ankles, (some stuff their bra, I stuffed my socks. funny now but it was painfully hurtful then and still hurts now that I felt so low) before we cheered, I believe I kept them on at least half the game.

But even then, God stood at the sideline of my heart waiting for him to make a touchdown on my heart. He did. He scored so big. And I am forever grateful.

“[Oh Stacie] , put your hope in The Lord,

for with The Lord is unfailing love

and with Him is full redemption.”

Psalm 130-7

*through it all, I'm so grateful for the many sacrifices of my Momma and Nanny. I was never without lack on the things and activities I wanted to do as a kid. Thank you Jesus. so beautiful.